Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
