I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
