I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize