I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
