i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
