i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
