So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
