even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
