last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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