He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
