I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
