8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
