when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
