i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
