So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
