Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
