this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
