Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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