You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
