Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
