I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
