A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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