saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
