i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
