dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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