I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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