you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
