I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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