Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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