Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
