So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
