Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
