when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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