I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
