I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
