Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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