dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
