theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
