why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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