she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
