Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
