Christians are straight up FREAKS
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
