Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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