I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
