I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize