I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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