Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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