i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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