If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
