What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
