when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
