I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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