I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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