tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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