Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
