how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
