please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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