i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The uberlube is also flammable
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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