Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
