goodnight i made you a song goodbye
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
